sweet talk wont get the job done

I recently returned from a family vacation to San Diego. I was forced against my will to drive down there with my mom and brother (ugh). A majority of the 10 hour car ride was ruined with my brother singing that annoyingly catchy song, "99 bottles of milk on the wall, 99 bottles of milk...", so for the most part, I was ridiculously angry. And the unusual L.A. traffic did not help my... fragile mood. The supposed-to-be 2-hour drive from L.A. to San Diego was actually 4 hours, because of extreme traffic. But apart from the drive there and the drive home, the rest of the trip was amazing.

The entire vacation was just party after party after party. I saw all my family that lived within a 40-mile radius of La Jolla, even some who I hadn't seen in years.. or ever. We had a fantastic time, and my Farsi (and Tu-Serkani) greatly improved. Oh, and food. I never had the chance to feel hungry because there was always a meal being served. And I can't resist good Persian food.... On the drive home, we decided not to stop at a restaurant for lunch so we could arrive home sooner, so we decided to stop at 2'oclock at a rest stop to retrieve our Joojeh (chicken) kabob sandwiches from the trunk and eat them in the car. I was fine until 1'oclock when I felt an intense sharp pain in my stomach. I thought something was terribly wrong with me. But.. turns out I was just feeling hunger, which I had not experienced in about a week. :D

I miss everyone already :/
Why do I live so far away from all my family?!

That would be my uncle (who I miss SO much!), me (freakishly happy), my mom, my cousin Ali and my cousin Kaveh... umm not exactly a flattering picture of all of us...

Family really means a lot. They're the only people who will love you no matter how badly you mess up (as demonstrated by several family members). I wish we lived closer, but when we do get together, I just feel a tremendous amount of warmth, and happiness. My New Year's Resolution is to spend more time with my family. I'm going to fly down to San Diego for my Spring Break and I'm going to try to call my grandparents at least once a week.

Happy New Year!

intoxicated with the madness

Have you ever listened to a song, and just been dumbstrucked by the lyrics? There are those songs that I can just listen to a fragment of, and be compelled with inspiration, motivation and exuberance, or in other cases, guilt and sadness. The raw emotion blares out of my speakers and transmits itself into my body.

The singer connects to me and seduces me with his relateable lyrics. He's telling me that in the end, it will be okay. He's telling me that this love will last forever. He's telling me that the best is yet to come. He's telling me to smile, to laugh, to cry. And I do and I believe what he's telling me, if only for a moment.

On that bad day I know exactly which song to play that instantly makes the rain cloud over my head disappear. Or the song for when I just need to wallow in my own sadness. Whatever emotion I need to feel, I can achieve it with music. Omnipotency. I like, and need, to hold the power over how I'm feeling. It's nice to come home after a long day of having my emotions controlled by friends, family and strangers, and just turn up my music and control it all on my own.

your head is full of words

Self validation. It's become a detrimental part of my life. Every time I pass by a mirror, or really reflective window, I stop and glance at my self. No, not because I'm the most vain person to have ever lived, but because I need to stop and soundlessly critique myself. In that short second or two, I pick out every flaw. The strands of hair that don't seem to belong on either the right or left side of my hair line. Tired eyes. Whatever.

I know I'm not the only one. Countless times I have heard self destructive statements from my peers. And they're always about appearance. "If you saw me without make up on, you'd run home crying..", "I look so fat today", etc. Why is physical appearance so important to us? One day, the beauty we actually have, or wish to have, will fade. After that, all we're left with is our personalities, memories and knowledge. So why don't we spend countless hours behind books, studying, rather than behind a mirror, plucking our eyebrows, or straightening our hair?

But still, no matter how many times I, or anyone else plagued with self doubt, thinks about the reality of beauty, it still won't sink in. Why? Why can't we accept who we are? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Our flaws are what make us unique. Although I self loathe on a daily basis, I would not choose to have anyone's body, or face, other than my own. But I wouldn't mind having Jessica Alba's abs. Or Jennifer Aniston's arms. Or Maria Sharapova's legs. Oh, there I go again. It's a cycle. Such a vicious cycle..